December 7, 2017
As we quickly approach Christmas I can't help but reflect and think how fast a year and a half have gone by. June 22nd, 2016, Ben was first diagnosed. Here we are a year and a half later celebrating our second Christmas with the big "C". Who invited it anyway? I'd rather not have a spot for "C" at our table this year.
Ben has been continuing on with his second line treatment. He completed his 30th round of chemotherapy on November 29th. This past Tuesday Ben had a CT scan to see how this chemo is working. This was the first scan he's had since starting this new drug. We won't receive those results until next week, but as always we will share an update when it becomes available to us. This was Ben's 8th CT scan in 18 months. These scans are starting to become dreadful and tiring for Ben. It's the same routine; go into the hospital, wait for hours, have someone poke an IV into your arm and wait some more. He's become pro at these scans now though. Tuesday was an exception. After Ben's scan was completed we sat in the waiting room waiting for the nurse to come out and remove Ben's IV. We waited, and waited, and waited. Finally a nurse came out to let us know that a blood clot had been seen in his lungs during the scan. She told us we had to go over to emerge to be seen. Of course this took us both by surprise. We walked over to emerge while I quickly made phone calls making sure our girls were okay with my sister and my mom. My phone was also dying until I ran into a friend who works in the hospital and kindly set me up with a charger so I could contact family and let them know what was going on. Ben was seen rather quickly. I guess that's one perk of having cancer. You present your card indicating you are a chemo patient and they assess you very quickly, getting you out of the waiting room full of sick people. (this is the last thing we need!) We were brought over to the RAZ where a doctor met with Ben and I and told us that pulmonary embolisms are common in cancer patients. Thankfully this was caught early enough that this was not a critical concern at this point. He was given a prescription for some blood thinners which require daily injections into his abdomen. His home nurse has come daily and taught Ben and I both how to administer these injections. What's one more thing, right? I feel bad for Ben. I feel my heart breaking when I have to see him adding more medications to his daily regimen. The nurse in the ER made a comment that has stuck with me. He was showing us the needles and how they work. Ben and I were trying to make light of the situation by lightly joking and he said, "Through sickness and health right? that's what we've signed up for". He couldn't have been more right. Through this magnitude of sickness, I will stand next to him, and love him unconditionally!
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| Dec 5th- CT scan waiting room |
The past few months have been challenging. Watching Ben fight each day in bed is very, very hard on me, as well as him. I've lost a lot of my marriage through this cancer. And my children have lost a lot of their daddy. A few days ago I captured the picture below. Every time I see this picture I think of a number of things. Why is this happening to us? I can't believe our 5-year-old has to go through this, Brooke is so sweet to comfort her daddy, I can't believe Ben has to go through this, can God see the pain and suffering our family is in? Why can't Ben be healed of this so that our children don't have to watch this and that Ben can be the outgoing, fun daddy that he is. I don't doubt my faith, matter of fact my faith is strong and it's what keeps me going every single day, but I will never understand how life is taken away from not just the patient, but their family members and how God is in there somewhere. Attending church has been hard. The worship music is moving and I feel God there and yet I am sad and cry each Sunday I am in church because I feel confused by His path for us. This doesn't stop me from praying, for reaching to Him for comfort. He helps me get through my panic and my loneliness. He does help me talk myself into stop crying and getting myself together again to continue on with the day. I give God all that credit. I find myself constantly saying, "Do not panic, I am with you". some days out-loud, some days in my head. It's the most comforting verse to me. It reminds me that I am not walking alone, even despite me feeling alone.
As we approach the Holiday season I will continue to ask for prayer that Ben is able to feel good and be up to celebrate Christmas with our friends and family. I told Ben that I am feeling very blessed that he is here with us this Christmas. I remember buying a video camera last year and video tapped all of Christmas because I didn't think he would be here this year. Well, here we are, and I am so glad that we have had another year with each other and that our girls have their daddy here this Christmas, even if he is on the couch. It's the little things.
Thank you again to those who have helped us get through the past few months and for helping make sure that santa has some wonderful things for the girls this year. Despite our struggling hearts we continue to feel blessed and loved beyond imaginable.
If I can leave this post with one thing it would be to remember to slow down and spend some good quality time with your loved ones. This sounds so cliche, but we have learned how important this really is. During the season of running off to malls, kids christmas concerts, activities, parties and preparing a feast for your family, I encourage you to sit back, hug the one next to you, tell them you love them and give thanks for them. Love to you all as you prepare for this Christmas.
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| Nov 29, 2017. Ben's 30th chemotherapy treatment. |
