September 22, 2017
I have to chuckle as I go back to my last post which prematurely
said goodbye to summer and welcomed fall. 30+ degree weather at the end of
September, we’ll take it! Our family has been able to escape to the cottage a
few more times and to be honest we’ve had the best beach days this month!
I felt compelled to write a post after experiencing some
pretty crazy “God moments” this week. If you read my last post you will know I’ve
been stuck in a season of doubt, anger, and depression. Getting out of this has
been challenging. I’ve kind of withdrawn myself from people a bit. (I apologize
if you feel this from me) With all of this I have been watching my husband’s
health decline while raising two very busy kids. I mean, can you blame me for
being a bit mad at God right now? It’s
been on my mind a lot lately that things will get worse before they get better
and I’ve been just downright pissed off about that. But in God’s typical
fashion in my life He has shown Himself to me a number of times this week and I
just had to share this.
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| Painting done by ReChic Studio of Ben and the girls. |
As I sat in my “self pity”, God introduced me to a woman who
stands in my shoes; a young mother with a husband battling stage 4 cancer. The
difference? She not only has 2 children, but 4, she has no family or community close
around her like we do. As I began to talk to her and share stories it
immediately dawned on my how grateful I really am for the huge support group
that stands with us. My heart broke for this woman who explained to me that she’s
been bringing all 4 of her children to her husband’s bi-weekly chemotherapy treatments.
I can’t even imagine that! (Thanks for the reminder of my many blessings, God) My
week went on but I still felt down and out. A year going on this path really is
starting to feel downright exhausting and to be honest I was starting to feel
alone and “forgotten”. Every day I see my husband battling for his life and I’ve
been doing my best to keep going for him and the girls. Just as that thought entered
my mind I literally had 4 messages pop up in my inbox offering their hands to
help, encouraging me in prayer, offering to bring a meal for our family AND
pictures and videos of a recent fundraiser that had taken place to help Ben and
I out during this time. (Okay God, I see you—I feel you – THANK YOU) I find it
rather “weird”- for lack of a better word, that those messages were sent to me
in a time of feeling defeated and empty. I had an “ah-ha” moment, sitting there
reading each message and realizing very quickly that I have not been abandoned,
I will never be abandoned, and that I need to have faith in my God to get me
through this. (Yes- this is easier said then done, of course, but He just
showed me this!) How do you look away when God shows Himself to you? How do you
question His love for you when He helps you through your darkest days? It’s
funny, as I write that I am actually reminding myself to come back to this post
to remind myself of these things. I couldn’t continue on my day without sharing
this with you. I know there have been a lot of prayers said for us and I needed
to share how I felt God this past week.
In addition to this post, many of you have asked how Ben is
doing lately. Let’s just say Ben seems to be having more “bad” days then good lately.
He continues to struggle with pain and discomfort in his legs and back. We’ve
noticed his legs, face and neck really swelling. This makes it very
uncomfortable for him. Ben usually crawls up on the couch or in bed and spends
a lot of his time there now. He battles nausea and vomiting, and stomach pains.
I absolutely hate watching him go through this. I feel completely helpless.
Brooke and Kendal have been so good with waking up in the morning and giving daddy
a big hug! Ben loves this. So do I. He had his repeat CT scan on Monday and we
are anxiously awaiting these results. We will most likely have these by
Wednesday. I will post an update as usual.
Thank you for those who reached out to me this week. Additionally, thank you to those who helped and participated in the fundraiser for our family.
Ben and I are feeling very much cared for and supported by you. You all
continue to show us what real community, faith and friendship looks like. I can
only hope to give back like you have given to me.
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