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| Chocolate chip pancakes with daddy! |
It's been on my mind and heart a lot how fast this year just went and how scared I am to watch another year go by. We really have not a clue what next summer brings. We've been told by Ben's doctor that she wants to see him live for another year. Can you image being told those words about your spouse as you go home and hold your babies? Your perspective of life really changes. Things that seemed important at one time really aren't that important at all. I feel like our life as "The Janzen Family" is on a clock. I do my best not to live that way, but I can't deny that these are real feelings and thoughts that go through my mind a lot, more now as the year has passed and as Ben continues this battle with cancer.
Ben completed his 25th round of chemotherapy treatments this past Wednesday. That is a big number. I actually had a memory on my Facebook page show up from 1 year ago documenting his 5th chemo treatment. I couldn't believe I was getting a "memory" of this already. The chemotherapy hasn't effected how Ben looks. Matter of fact most people who see him say how great he looks! (which he does!) He has gained a lot of the weight he had lost back, plus some, and is looking quite healthy at first glance. But the fact of the matter is Ben is fighting stage 4 cancer regardless of looking "good". I think some people look at him and think he looks good, and so they think he is doing well. He's even been asked if he's doing side jobs while home on disability. (I'm not sure how to comment on that one....) I guess this is just a reminder to those who look at Ben and assume that things are fine, to go ahead and ask him how he's doing that day or how he's been doing because he really does look better than he's feeling. Ben has been able to manage a lot of his symptoms with medications. You would fall off your chair if you saw the bag of medications he takes daily, just to help him get through the day. I think his biggest challenge right now is fatigue, weakness and nausea. He does his best to get through this, he never complains, ever! I always say to think of yourself with the worst cold or flu you've ever had, and then times it by 100. That's what Ben is fighting, almost daily.
The last appointment with Ben's doctor we reviewed his CT scan (this would have been in August- I posted this on my last blog post). The scan showed no progression of disease, but no change in disease either. To me this sets off alarm bells in my head. No change? So the chemo isn't doing anything? You see, cancer is smart. It starts to learn what is treatment and fights against it. Because there was no change in disease in his liver, lungs or colon, Ben will repeat this CT scan within the next few weeks to see if the cells have changed or not. I'm anxious about this scan. In my mind this is where things start to shift and change. This is where treatment plans might need to change, where our comfortable routine changes and things may effect him differently. We will post the results to the scan when we have them.
I've been struggling a lot with God's plan for us. I've been angry with God and have been feeling alone in my walk. Can he not see us struggling? Those who are closest to me will know I have been battling a very hard and long depression and some days find it extremely difficult to even get out of bed. I sleep a lot, and when I'm not sleeping I'm barely functioning or willing to participate in everyday life. Socializing with people has become exhausting for me. Parenting two toddlers has become very difficult for me. I don't understand why this is happening to us all at once, why the timing in our life seems so shitty and I feel like God is just standing on the sidelines right now. I'm sharing this very personal experience with you all because I recognize this as my weakness and know the power of prayer and am asking for those who read this blog to pray for me, and Ben. I've been struggling to bow my head in prayer. So, I ask for you to please say a prayer for us. I know the community we have behind us and I know that prayers will be said for us. I still believe God is with us, it's just really hard to see right now. In addition, please do not be "afraid" of Ben or I if you see us. Please don't feel like you can't approach us because you don't know what to say. I see this more and more and actually really appreciate being asked how we are doing. It is a reminder to me that you are with us and care for us. We are very open people and lean on others to help us right now.
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| Daddy and Kendal in her new ballet outfit <3 |
The fall season is coming and we have a few things to look forward to. We have a few trips booked, (pending Ben's health) but these trips give us something to look forward to and excitement for the future rather than dreading the days ahead. The girls are both registered for dance classes and swimming classes. It'll be a busy time for me I am sure, but I'm trying to plug myself into the girls and go into this reassuring myself that I can do all of this and to ask for help if I need it. The girls continue to not understand what is really going on and so we try our best to keep life as "normal" as possible for them. I'm excited for them and look forward to watching them grow in their new activities.
Well, I think I did my best to give you all an update on what's been going on over here. Best of luck to all the kids going back to school on Tuesday. As usual, I look forward to seeing all the photos of their first day back! As I wrap up this post I continue to ask for prayer for us during this time. I ask specifically for prayer for Ben, that he has the strength to get through each day, that he feels better and is able to participate with me and the girls more and prayer that both of our spirits are lifted during this time.
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| Dancing away! |
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| loving life out on the boat at the cottage |
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| 2017 NOTL soccer |
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| St. Davids Carnival with our friends |
As a sign of gratitude for how my wife was saved from CANCER, i decided to reach out to those still suffering from this.
ReplyDeleteMy wife suffered cancer in the year 2013 and it was really tough and heartbreaking for me because she was my all and the symptoms were terrible, she always complain of abnormal vaginal bleeding, and she always have pain during sexual intercourse. . we tried various therapies prescribed by our neurologist but none could cure her. I searched for a cure and i saw a testimony by someone who was cured and so many other with similar body problem, and he left the contact of the doctor who had the cure to cancer . I never imagined cancer. has a natural cure not until i contacted him and he assured me my wife will be fine. I got the herbal medication he recommended and my wife used it and in one months time she was fully okay even up till this moment she is so full of life. cancer. has a cure and it is a herbal cure contact the doctor for more info on drwilliams098675@gmail.com on how to get the medication. Thanks for reading my testimony.