Surgery Update

January 18, 2017

We are now 4 days away from leaving on our much anticipated trip to DISNEY! The excitement in this house has been at an all time high and as Ben puts it, "Amy has had outbursts of excitement daily!" (He's totally right!) It the midst of all the crazy news in his household the past few months this trip certainly has given us so much to look forward to! I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my spare time when it's done!

Last week Ben and I went up to Hamilton for an appointment for genetic testing. Since this type of cancer doesn't run in his family, and he's only 30, they want to see if Ben carries the gene which would help with the future of our kids and his family members. He went off for blood work and we will wait for these results to come. On our way home from Hamilton we received a call from the surgeons office who asked if we could come to her office today, January 18th. This has been an appointment we've been very anxious for.

Our meeting went really well. The surgeon took her time with us and explained everything to us in great detail. This is what we are faced with now...

When we return from Florida Ben will be admitted to hospital for a procedure called a portal vein embolization. This procedure will clip a vein to induce regrowth on the left side of his liver for his planned liver resection to the right side. Basically enlarging the liver to help with the surgery. Ben will have to wait 3-4 weeks after this procedure for a scan where they look to ensure the liver was successfully enlarged safely for surgery. If the embolization was successful, liver resection will take place. During this waiting period Ben will most likely receive radiation for the cancer on the primary site, his colon. This will be to hopefully contain the cancer to his colon so they are able to deal with the liver first. Removing the cancer from his liver is most important so Ben doesn't go into liver failure or the cancer doesn't spread to other organs. Because of the amount of cancer in Ben's liver they will remove 75% of his liver, which is the most you can remove during a liver resection. Ben will be in hospital for 10-12 days as they monitor him in recovery and ensure his liver function studies improve. It takes 2-3 weeks for the liver to improve, or show any signs of liver failure, which we obviously pray will not happen. An MRI will be done about 2-3 weeks after the resection to assess his liver. At this point if everything looks good, Ben can wait up to 2 months to proceed with surgery for removal of the tumour in his colon. At this point if they get everything any recurrence would likely happen within the first 2 years.

This all sounds great right? I mean, at the beginning of this journey Ben didn't qualify for surgery at all, there was too much cancer and now only 6 months after being told that devastating news we are being faced with these next steps. We are nervous but we are hopeful! This does, however, come with a lot of anxiety and a lot of unknowns. This whole procedure is very aggressive and really our only next option. We've been told that if cancer does return to his liver that they cannot perform another surgery. Letting all of this information sink in today has been a bit challenging for me. I'm not sure what I was anticipating... I guess you want to hear the words "lets do surgery and cure you", but of course it's not that easy. We have a long road ahead of us yet. Months of surgeries and appointments. One thing is for sure, God has brought us this far. 6 months ago being told my husband had 2-3 years to live with no chance for surgery, and now planning this surgery is surreal. And totally God's doing. I don't doubt that for one second. We continue on our faith journey with God and pray that God lays his hands on Ben and heals him. We pray all of this is successful and our God continues to help us through this. We don't know what the next few months will look like but I am certainly glad to have God on our side, comforting us and with us through it all.  

We are prepared to enjoy this coming week at Disney with our girls and our parents where we can laugh and have fun and enjoy the time together before diving into these next steps. I continue to be overwhelmed and thankful for this trip. It certainly comes at a great time for us.

As always, we continue to ask for prayer for Ben. As mentioned many times in this blog, we know what the power of prayer can do and we continue to pray hard that Ben can continue on with life healthy, happy, with his two beautiful baby girls and watch him rise above and beat this with the power and love of our God.

Welcome 2017!

January 1, 2017

HAPPY NEW YEAR! And boy am I happy for a new year. I can only pray that it is a little easier on us than 2016. I've been reading a lot of peoples reflections on 2016 as they welcome the New Year and to be honest, I don't even know where to begin with reflecting on the year. See the thing is, this time last year we were closing on our old home, celebrating the New Year quietly at home saying to each other, "this is our year! we'll move into our new house with the girls and this will be the best year yet!"... well, as all of you know, 2016 may not have been our year. But 2016 has taught me a lot.

This year I have learned the true meaning of gratitude. Never in my life have I experienced gratitude the way I have this past year. From the minute Ben was diagnosed the outpour of support that has come in many different ways has been a true blessing to our family. We have said it before and we continue to say, THANK YOU! We thank everyone who has helped our family this year because without you we would not be able to get through this experience. You all have made this so much easier on us to not worry or stress about the little things, and believe me at the beginning  the little things felt like big things! We have been able to focus on our family and the time together without panic. We are truly grateful!

I have also learned what a deep relationship and faith in our God feels like. There are days I cry to my Father asking for Him to help me or asking Him to help Ben. But there are also days I smile, acknowledging His work in our lives and how He has placed people/things in our lives so perfectly. It's amazing how things always seem to work out just so, even though we aren't sure at the time why things are going the way they are going. We tend to look back and see God in our lives. For example, the day Ben was diagnosed. The people who were with him in the ER, friends and friends of friends working at the hospital who knew Ben. Looking back it's amazing to see how God truly has been with us the entire time.

I don't want to look back and list all the things that made this year hard for us. I will, however, try and remember the good things and the things that make us who we are today. As Ben always says, "mind over matter". And he is right!

With a brand new year ahead of us we have some very exciting news to share! (Yes, finally some exciting news!)

Back in October Ben and I had planned an evening out to visit our close friends. My parents came by to watch the girls. As we were getting ready to leave I remember vividly making the comment to my parents, "somehow... someway... we need to get to Disney with the girls. This would be my dream to do this with Ben". We headed out for the evening and hung out with our friends only to be completely throw off with "hey guys, we've done a little fundraiser for you and we have enough for your family to go on vacation." Well, this sure put a smile on our faces! "You guys have enough for a week vacation with the girls to DISNEY!!." *insert tears of joy* !!!! We were shocked! and SO excited! I couldn't believe, and still can't believe, that just a few hours earlier I had made that comment to my parents and then here we were being told we are heading to Disney with the girls! Here is another example of where I saw God. Unbelievable!! I don't think there is anyway we can truly thank those who have made this trip possible for us. We are over the moon to be able to go. What you might not know is that this trip has also brought a lot of joy through the planning stages. Where anxiety seemed to be controlling me, this trip came up and it has been something that brings pure joy and something we can truly look forward to, rather than dreading the unknown. This trip has brought a huge amount of excitement in our home! so, THANK YOU! Every single one of you, THANK YOU!

So, the countdown is officially on! We leave at the end of January for a week and both of our parents will be joining us to help with the girls. We are very excited to be able to do this trip with them. Thanks to our good friends, and their helpful experiences with Disney, we've made an itinerary and this mom has spent hours planning a trip and has enjoyed every minute of it! We've rented Ben a motorized scooter for the days that may be more challenging for him but pray he will have an awesome week. He will be skipping chemo treatment the week before we leave so that we aren't dealing with the side effects chemotherapy brings during the trip. Despite a crazy last year, this is the best thing to start off 2017 and we cannot wait to share our experience with you!  THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!

Brooke and her Disney countdown!

We wish everyone a very Happy New Year filled with much happiness and good health!

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11 

Our Christmas This Year (2016)

December 27, 2016

Merry Christmas to everyone! and Happy Birthday Jesus! This year was a bit different for us. Ben had his 13th chemotherapy treatment last Wednesday. We sat with his doctor before treatment and she had asked if he wanted to skip treatment for Christmas so that he wouldn't feel down and out for the holidays. Ben and I both agreed he should continue on with treatment and his doctor agreed too. When the question was asked, Ben looked at me and said "would you stop something thats saving your life right now?" He continued on with treatment and I'll admit, I was a bit nervous entering the holidays with him just having chemo. Dec 21st was treatment day and on Dec 23rd he had his bottle disconnected at CCAC. Ben really struggled with this round, worrying about feeling unwell for Christmas. He had reached out on Facebook asking for prayer and support and the response from all of you was so overwhelming and exactly what he needed to get through treatment.

Christmas Eve came and Ben really wasn't feeling great. He spent the morning in bed while I managed to get the girls and everything that goes along with them all packed up so we could go and visit his parents and siblings in Jordan. My morning was just short of insane. By 10:30am I had completed 3 loads of laundry, bathed two children, hair done, outfits on, both their bags packed, last minute presents wrapped, baked cookies for santa, dealt with a few temper tantrums or fights between the girls, got myself ready and managed to set the table and clean the house to host our family Christmas the next day. I sat down at one point and thanked God for the energy and patience I had that morning. By 11:00am we were out the door and on our way to celebrate Christmas with the Janzen family.

Our attempt at a family photo!

The day was very nice. Sarah, Ben's sister, and her husband Zack were home from Thailand for Christmas. It was so nice to see them and watch them interact with the girls. We certainly miss them when they are away. Ben continued to not feel well. He spent most of the afternoon curled up in bed at his parents house while the rest of us visited together. Ben managed to make it down stairs for a few rounds of crokinole and dinner but shortly after needed to lie down. We all headed off to a Christmas service at church and Ben stayed home to rest. It broke my heart to head off without him. Sitting in church without him hurt my heart too. It brought the "what if" thoughts to my head more than you would think. We went back to the Janzen house after church to play more games, enjoy a few snacks and have our family gift exchange. Ben was up and able to join us, which made me very happy! The company of one another was so nice. I am so blessed to have an incredible family to be married into. Despite our situation there was still a lot of laughter and smiles to be had!

Brooke with her new Frozen suitcase 

Christmas morning was certainly different here. The girls woke up and the excitement to run downstairs to see what Santa had brought was in full force! Ben, on the other hand, was not well again. It took me everything to get him out of bed to join us downstairs. I felt bad waking him but I knew he wouldn't want to miss out. We started with stockings and as I watched the girls open their stockings with pure joy, I couldn't help but look over at Ben who was clearly struggling on the couch. I had a moment of anger. Angry that Ben wasn't well enough to be apart of the exciting time for the girls and angry that this cancer is apart of our life. I would look at the girls playing with their toys, laughing and saying "daddy, look!" "Daddy, LOOK!" and daddy couldn't look because he was half asleep on the couch not well. I hated that he was going through this. I hated that our life right then had seemed so different and difficult. I looked back at the girls and adjusted my sails to think positively. "I will make sure these girls have a great Christmas, I will do what I can". We continued onto the tree and all of "santas" gifts. I was hoping for some pictures but it ended up me helping the girls open their presents while daddy continued to rest. The only picture we managed to capture was of Brooke with her new suitcase. (we have some exciting travels coming up- will share sometime soon) She was pretty excited about this and has been pulling it around the house since Sunday.

My Aunt Erica and I prepping the turkey!

Late morning my Aunt Erica had come over to help me prep my very first turkey! An 18 pounder! I was so excited for this! Thank you for teaching me the ropes. That bonding time when your aunt teaches you how to do your first turkey, I will never forget! and it was way easier than I thought! We put that bird in the oven and it turned out great! My entire family came to our house later that afternoon. It brought pure joy over me to host our family Christmas. I would tell people I was hosting and people thought I was crazy, but in reality this is what I love the most. Entertaining, having everyone together in our home, laughing and being together. I love to do it! The day went off without a hitch. The food was great and the helping hands in the kitchen with food prep and clean up was much appreciated! Everyone lent a helping hand and I never felt like I was at it alone. THANK YOU!! Before everyone had arrived Ben had a good long sleep and was able to join us for most of the day, which made my heart smile.

my poor husband battling this illness

Christmas is now behind us and I'm conflicted with feelings of happiness and sadness. I wish I could say I could wipe the sadness away completely, but that's not reality. My heart hurts for my husband. I hate watching him struggle day by day. The past few days have continued to be hard on him. Early this morning (Dec 27th) Ben and I were both awake at 2am as he vomited and felt really unwell. I wasn't sure what I could do for him other than hold him and try and assure him that I am here for him no matter what. I found myself in prayer a lot the past few days, asking God to help Ben and be with him during this time and heal him! Anyone who has watched someone go through rounds of chemotherapy knows how draining it can be not just on the patient, but on the caregiver as well. This week has certainly been one where God has been my rock and my source of reassurance that everything will be okay and that I am not alone.  As we count down the days into the New Year, I can only pray that 2017 brings good news, good health and positive experiences for our family.

Thank you to everyone who sent us well wishes this Christmas. Thank you for the baking and the meals and all the Christmas cards. We hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas! I am going to leave this post off with a prayer for Ben.


Dear Lord Jesus Please be with Ben today as he struggles with feeling unwell. I pray that when he is down about being unwell, You give him the strength and determination to get through the day. Lord I pray that you heal Ben's body from this awful disease and that you are working in him during the side effects that come along with chemotherapy. Lord we thank You for Ben and his positive outlook but know it can be draining on him sometimes. Please continue to be with him day after day as he fights this. Thank you for amazing friends and family who are holding us along the way. Thank you for Your love for us today and always. Amen. 

My family over for Christmas dinner

Our Christmas tradition, family stockings!

Coming into the Holidays & Reflections of the Year

December 14, 2016

Well, here we are, the middle of December already. The countdown is officially on for Christmas. I spent a few days doing our Christmas shopping and the chaos is certainly around us. I entered the mall only to stop and just watch people stand in long lines and race from store to store with their hands full of bags. I was torn between two feelings. 1. excitement for the season and 2. sad for those who are going through a difficult time this year. It seems every time we turn around friends, or friends of friends, are being hit with devastating news, grieving, or anxiety around the unknown. It reminded me that we are not the only ones going through trials. It also reminded me that my faith in God is the one thing I can rely on to keep going forward.

Ben completed round 12 of chemotherapy last Wednesday. It's now been 6 months since his diagnosis. There was a lot of anxiety going into this round. The previous round knocked Ben out for almost 9 whole days. The nausea, nose bleeds, lack of appetite, loss of taste, headaches, and fatigue really knocked him down. Brooke and Kendal have learned to let daddy rest on his "not so good" days. Brooke will even say "Daddy, you can just go lay down if you want". She's such a sweetie! Going into round 12 Ben was reminded to use some of the medications to help him get through the crappy parts and well, it seemed to work. This round he has been up and about for the most part. I come home from work and will find closets all cleaned and organized, our basement all cleaned and organized... it's amazing! I'm so thankful for the days he is well, despite going through chemotherapy, and that he is able to help me around the house as much as he does. This shows me his willingness to help me when he can and for that I am so grateful to have a husband to help.

Ben completed two MRIs last weekend. The results have come back with some very positive news, yet again! (PRAISE GOD!!) The MRIs confirmed  that cancer looks contained only to the left side of Ben's liver and little to no cancer on the right side.Previous CT scans were done but MRI reports showed better imaging. Images and reports are now being sent to the surgeon for planned liver resection for potentially February. Ben will need to be off chemotherapy for 4 weeks leading up to the surgery, which at this point looks like it will be taking place in Hamilton. We haven't yet met with a surgeon so most of our questions haven't been answered but as usual we will keep everyone up-to-date on the details as they are revealed to us.

Ben and I took some time the other night to reflect on what has happened over the past year. We sat next to our Christmas tree together and couldn't help but shake our heads in disbelief that it was only one year ago this month that we had purchased our home in Niagara and renovated the entire main floor. Ben did the entire renovation. From demo, flooring, tiles, drywall, electrical etc. (of course some help from friends and family here and there) We were told Ben likely had his cancer the entire time he renovated our house. I remember coming to visit Ben, we lived with my parents during our renovations, and he was so exhausted. He would put in his 44+ hours/ week as electrical foreman of a 60 million dollar job in Niagara Falls, only to drive to our new house to work all evening trying to finish the house for us. At one point during the renovations Ben got quite sick and couldn't get to the house to work. This lasted about about 2 weeks. Looking back it all makes sense. At the time we thought nothing of it, definitely didn't think cancer was in his cards! I wanted to share some before, during and after pictures of the work Ben did. I am amazed that despite him feeling unwell most of the time, he powdered through this house without complaint and in only 4 months. We moved in at the beginning May of 2016. Ben was diagnosed in June of 2016. Another way God was working in our lives. It amazes me how things seem to work out it the weirdest of ways.  

I want to take this time to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I know for a lot of people it's a difficult time of year, and we certainly pray in our hearts that you are able to get through this time. We hope everyone is able to be with their family and friends this Christmas and enjoy each others company. Hold each other close and cherish the moments that are among us and most importantly, celebrate the birth of Jesus!

Here are some pictures of the house!

Before

During

During

After (Kendal had to have Mr. Bear in the picture!)

After (minus a little bit of crown moulding left!)

Before

Before

Before

During

During 

During

After

After

After (again just some crown moulding to finish) 

Nothing Shall Be Impossible...

November 23, 2016

First off, I want to apologize for the absence here. I realize I haven't made a blog post since the beginning of the month. So much has happened since then. I had to go back and read my last post to see where I left off. I'll do my best to fill you in. Here it goes!

I had posted on Facebook back on November 9th that we had received the results to Ben's 2nd CT scan. For those of you who don't have me on Facebook, the CT scanned showed continued "shrinking" of the cancer in Ben's liver. His oncologist was thrilled! She sat us down and actually showed us Ben's first scan from June, when he was first diagnosed, to the scan done now and the results were significant. Ben and I sat in the room with his oncologist with tears in our eyes as we looked at both images of his liver and could clearly see the difference. I put my hands together, looked up, tears pouring down my face and thanked our heavenly Father for His work! The plan then was to continue chemotherapy the same way, every other week.

We were now waiting for an appointment in Sunnybrook, Toronto, to see whether or not Ben would be adding another line of treatment through a HAIP (hipatic artery infusion pump) I had posted a bit about this in a previous blog post. In summary, the pump would be surgically implanted and pump chemotherapy directly to the liver to try and kill more of the cancer off. November 14th Ben and I headed off to Sunnybrook for this much anticipated appointment. It was a whole day adventure. We had a good time together driving to Toronto and spending the day together without the girls. The doctors and their staff were very kind. The only issue was that we met with 3 doctors who unfortunately didn't have all of Ben's file. We sat with all three of them in a room trying to fill them in with what we knew but of course they couldn't make a decision based off our word. Ben's complete file was necessary to determine whether they were going to go ahead with this procedure. It was a bit of a let down, but of course working in the health care field I also know these things can happen. We were told we would be in contact shorty with the next steps.

Ben and I. Round 11

Today, November 23rd, Ben completed round 11 of treatment. I can't even believe he's finished 11 rounds. The months are going by so quickly. Today Ben was able to sit down with his oncologist and talk to her about our trip to Sunnybrook. The doctors in Toronto had gotten in touch and the news brought me to tears. They reviewed his images and said that Ben's body is responding remarkably to the chemotherapy. They don't think he needs the HAIP. They believe that the chemo is working and that Ben is a candidate for liver resection. I wish you could be a fly on the wall when this news was shared with to me today... This is what we've been praying for! I started to cry in complete happiness that his chemotherapy, which knocks out my husband for days, is actually working for him and he's now finally a candidate for surgery! To our prayer warriors.... He continues to hear our prayers!!!! We are now at step 2. Ben will be getting an MRI done to show a better imagine of the liver and steps will be made going forward with surgery. We don't have any details on what, how, when, etc.We will keep you up to date as usual.

As Ben and I talked about this news I could tell he was still very cautions about his excitement. He and I both know this road is much longer and I could see his mind running a bit. "Don't get too excited... we have a lot more to get through".... I can appreciate this thought. I have them all the time. But I believe full heartily that God is with us in this crazy path and that He will not forsake us. This is yet another example in my life of the power of prayer and the magnificent work of our God. How can we sit here and not praise Him for this news. If you have never sat down and prayed, I encourage you to!

Ben is home now resting from chemo today. As the treatments come they seem to hit him harder and harder. Yes it is working, but it certainly comes on full force causing Ben to be quite ill. The evening of chemo is emotional. I watch him slowly move around or can't get out of bed. His colour is usually off and he doesn't leave our room much. It's my role then to mother our babies and make sure he gets the rest he needs. I am trying to remind myself that this is the role God has placed on me during this time. It can be stressful and very demanding to be a working mother of two, making sure the house chores are done (I cleaned my entire house at 7am this morning in my pajamas...), making sure everyone is where they need to be, laundry is done etc., AND tend to my ill husband. But as I mentioned before, I frequently try and remind myself that these are my current duties as wife and mother and I pray daily God gives me the strength to get through each day. I ask for prayer for Ben as well as he powers through the days of feeling unwell. He is strong and he is fighting this thing day by day. I see first hand what he is going through and it's not pretty. Nauseousness, puking, exhaustion, headaches, body aches and pains. I can't imagine having to go through it myself. I watch him in complete awe. You, my love, are an incredible man!

I'm going to leave this post off with a song that was recently shared with us by close friends. What a coincidence that it would be sung at church the following Sunday. It's called "Unstoppable God" by Elevation Worship. "Impossible things in Your name they shall be done". How fitting for today. Impossible.... Not with Him!

Click Here for link to Song "Unstoppable"  

This is Cancer + Prayer for Upcoming CT Scan

Nov 3, 2016

Since I last posted Ben has completed round 8 and 9 of his chemotherapy treatments. I get to see first hand what chemotherapy does to him and what his body goes through. Since June 2016, when Ben was diagnosed, he has endured a lot of physical change.

I had stopped him one day and asked if I could take a picture of him without his shirt on to show just what he goes through on a weekly/daily basis. Of course his first response was to just look at me like I was crazy, I get that look a lot, but he agreed and thought it might be a good idea to show everyone what he goes through. He gets asked a lot if he can work and I'm sure you can see by the picture posted here, adding a physical laboured job to this would be pretty impossible at this point.

The picture here shows a few things. 1. The top left hand corner is his port, or port-a-cath. This device was surgically implanted. Looking at it you can see a clear bump under the skin. When Ben is not on chemotherapy he can easily swim and shower with this. The nurses puncture a needle through his skin into the port where a catheter connects to a large vein. You can actually seen the catheter line on Ben if you look closely (not seen in this picture) Connected to his port in the picture is the chemo bottle. The line goes down to his waist where he is wearing a blue waist band that holds the bottle of chemo. He wears this bottle from Wednesday to Friday every other week. Inside is a clear bottle which holds the chemo in what looks like a balloon. In our home we now have cytotoxic spill kits incase there is a chemo spill. (scary right?) Wednesday to Friday the chemo is slowly given to Ben. Friday afternoons, usually, he will visit CCAC to have the bottle disconnected. Once this is disconnected you only see the port from under his skin. No lines, tape or the blue bag or bottle. 2. The beige waist strap connects to his ostomy bag. The ileostomy procedure was done the first week Ben was diagnosed. (now 19 weeks ago!) The tumour in his colon was so big they had to perform this surgery to help him with bowel movements. It was also done to accelerate receiving treatment to his liver, which is priority number one right now. Ben has a cupboard in our kitchen designated to just the supplies he needs for the ostomy bag (and any other cancer related items) Because Ben is young and active he requires a bag change at least once a week. Supplies are very expensive but it is mandatory for him now. Changing the ostomy bag is simple, but comes with its own challenges. Just imagine cleaning up your own bowel movements and dealing with the oder and mishaps that may come along with it. Ben is very good at doing this now and is, in my opinion, pro! Showering does come with a few challenges and changing the adhesive is very painful but I never hear Ben complain about it. You're Amazing!!!!

Ben's Kitchen Cupboard 

Some of you may have never known what Ben hides beneath his shirt. It may surprise you to see. We wanted to share to show you want cancer looks like to us. Despite the physical changes he is going through, he has never been more handsome or sexier to me. The face of a warrior, a man in a fight every day to beat this awful disease. I love you so very much!

Ben has a CT scan booked for tomorrow, November 4th. This is to check for progress. Please continue to pray for healing and good results. Ben and I are both anxious about this. We ask for prayer to get us through the next few days as we wait for the results. We will keep you all posted with the results as we get them.





This week I had written down 4 questions I wanted Ben to answer for the blog. Here they are! Side note: please free to ask any questions or message me or e-mail me any you want to ask Ben. He's completely open to answering any questions you have for him.

1. How have you been feeling this week?
"This week started off rough but ended pretty good. I progressively felt better each day. The beginning of the week I had a lot of nausea."

2. What is the biggest change you have noticed since your diagnosis?
"I have had two major changes. One has been the physical aspect of it. It can be frustrating when your body can't do what it used to do and tires out quickly and the feeling of sickness from the chemotherapy. Second, the physiological aspect of shifting priorities. Things that seemed really important before the diagnosis don't seem nearly as important since the diagnosis and certain things, such as family time and meaningful interactions with people really became a bigger priority in my life."

3. What is your favourite thing about being home?
"My favourite thing about being home is the amount of time I get to spend with my daughters". 

4. What helps you get through each day? 
"Talking to God helps make the burdens and struggles more bearable. It helps me get through the tough times. Probably the main thing that drives me to get through each day is the thought of Brooke and Kendal and my ultimate desire to beat this so I can be here for them. The thought of what I wouldn't give for more time with my kids... I would give anything. The least I can do is fight as hard as I can." 


The last thing I leave off with is a bible verse from James. Our lifegroup has been studying the book of James this month and it has really struck a cord with Ben and I.

I will give Thanks to the Lord with all my heart...

October 10, 2016

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! We hope you are all enjoying your long weekend. We had a jam packed weekend planned. Friday I was to escape to Toronto for dinner and the Adele concert with my mom, sister and brother. Saturday was our Thanksgiving gathering at my in-laws house and Sunday we were to host Thanksgiving at our house, my aunt to help me prepare my first turkey! Somewhere in there I had to set aside time to work. (I started my own business not to long ago) If you remember reading back to a post I created in September, you'll remember how excited we were to host thanksgiving at our new home this year!

Well, like always it seems control was out of my hands and Kendal landed with hand, foot and mouth disease. It's highly contagious and I was advised by her doctor to avoid the Thanksgiving gathers this year, and advised to cancel the gathering at our own home. In addition, she was not to go anywhere near Ben. His immunity is low and this would not be a good thing for him to get. Kendal ended up with a high fever for a week followed by some pretty nasty mouth sores in and around the outside of her mouth. The poor little thing couldn't eat and wouldn't sleep. It was like having a new born baby back in the house... only even when we did have newborns they slept better than Kendal did the past few weeks! Ben wasn't able to help me at all with Kendal as she screamed and cried in pain... It was definitely a test to my patience and also my faith frequently asking, "God, why! Why now... I was looking so forward to this weekend... Our family gathered around celebrating the season and our thankfulness... Why!" Well, today is Thanksgiving Monday and as I sit and write this post I look back at this weekend and am certainly thankful for many things. My in-laws and own family made sure a plate of food came back for Kendal and I, and my entire family walked down the street from my sisters house to my house and wished Kendal and I a Happy Thanksgiving from the front door! What a pleasant surprise to be greeted by everyone. Along with these things I can't help but mentioned a few things I am truly grateful for this year....

1. My mom, Christine. Back in December my mom had purchased me, my brother, my sister  and herself tickets to Adele. Let me just say we could have traded these tickets in for a week away on an island somewhere...  We were going to make a whole night out of it. Stay at my brothers condo for the night, head out for dinner and then to the concert. Some shopping, wine drinking and just relax! When all of this went down with Kendal, I couldn't leave Kendal with Ben. My mom selflessly offered to stay back and take care of Kendal. Are you kidding me?? The excitement for this night away had been building for months and she's not coming?? She kept telling me I needed this and she would make sure Kendal was okay. I really had to think about this. I felt awful that she wouldn't be able to join us. I had needed a night away very badly. The stress of home and work and life was getting to me a bit so I took my mom up on her offer. Mom, THANK YOU! From the bottom of my heart. I can only hope that I will do the same for my daughters when they need me the most. The concert was terrible... and you didn't miss out on much at all.... okay, I'm totally kidding... it was INCREDIBLE! sorry mom! You have also been the one who adjusts your life for me at the drop of a hat when I need someone/something. I feel like I never have to panic. You will always make sure everything is okay for me. I love you!

2. Ben. Through the craziness and this wild ride I am beyond thankful for YOU. I am especially thankful for you putting up with me lately. I tend to run a million miles an hour and feel like I need to be in a million places at once and although sometimes you aren't sure what to do with me, (sorry haha) you remind me to calm down and breath and that everything will be okay. And you are so right! No one does this better than you. I love you more than you could ever imagine! I am thankful for an incredible husband like you and for being an outstanding daddy to Brooke and Kendal. I am so very thankful God has blessed me with you!

3. My in-laws, Kathy and Robert. You are both my lifeline. You drop everything over and over again to help us with the girls so that we can be where we need to be. You have taken the girls every other Wednesday for us so that I am able to be with Ben during his chemo treatments. You drive from your house to ours sometimes multiple times a day to help. You come to almost every soccer game, skating practice, gymnastics class... you name it. You both are incredible individuals and I'm not sure what I would do without you. THANK YOU!!

4. My dear sister, Caitlin. I had to cancel thanksgiving dinner at our house and you jumped right up and offered to open your home to our 17+ family members. You have so much on your own plate and this was so amazing of you to take on this task. Your home looked beautiful! You did a wonderful job! I am beyond thankful for our friendship and sisterhood. I love you!!




Life continues to go on pretty much the same right now. Ben has this ups and downs and we continue to adjust to our "new normal". I can't sit here and not be thankful for our life and where we are today. I am thankful for a God who holds us in the time of pain and panic, a God who allows us to go along each day with smiles on our faces and love in our hearts despite what feels like the deepest valley.  I can only encourage anyone going through a difficult time/season to trust in God with all your heart. To have patience in His ways, as they are higher! Do not mistake God's methods for His absence... His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not the same as our thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8,9) I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart! (Psalms 111:1) Today and everyday!

Thank you to Rust and Wildflowers for the sign hanging in our living room; One of my favourite verses.