March in a nutshell.

March 25, 2018

I guess it's true what they say about grieving- you will hit highs and lows out of nowhere. You think you know what it will be like, and then your in it, and it's really nothing like you thought. At least this is what has happened to me. I have lost people close to me and that grief was nothing like I am experiencing. I have lost the closest person to me. Every night I go to bed with my thoughts on Ben, staring at his side of the bed and praying for God to lead me in the direction I am supposed to go now and every morning I rise to be reminded he is not here.

I'm in awe of what I have actually learned over the past 8 years. What most people don't understand is that my life has been packed with extraordinary circumstances. After losing Ben I have had a lot of time to sit with my own mind and try and process what just happened. In my opinion 8 years is a great length of time to endure "extraordinary circumstances", one after another, after another, and then have it end with death. I find myself now trying to figure out where I see myself going, trying to figure out who I am and how all of these situations have shaped me. There are times I find myself feeling like the world is at my fingertips; I can conquer anything if I have conquered this, I can help those who now find themselves in the shoes I have already walked. And then there are times where all I want to do is sleep, not parent, and not deal with the load of the day. I recently took the girls to Disney on Ice. The show featured Moana, one of the girls favourite Disney movies. Sitting with the girls and thinking about Ben while watching the show I couldn't help but become overwhelmed by the words to one of the songs in Moana. It says...

The people you love will change you

the things you have learned will guide you

and nothing on earth can silence

the quiet voice still inside you

And when that voice starts to whisper

"Moana, you've come so far"

Moana listen, do you know who you are?

I am being forced to create a new life right now. One that looks completely different than I had ever thought. I feel his massive responsibility to provide for my girls, make the right decisions, become this "perfect" mother, who, by the way, is struggling hard in the parenting department. Grieving is one thing. Grieving with two extremely busy children is... selfless, draining and life altering. I mean, this entire experience has been life altering, but watching two young children try and figure out where their dad went when your barely able to get up in the morning because you miss your husband so much it hurts every bone in your body while one of them is yelling at you for breakfast and the other needs to be at school in half an hour... I just can't even explain to you what this does to an individual. How much this changes someone. Sure, I have days I wake up and am able to recognize the positive and the blessings that are before me. But I can't always be "positive Patty", and frankly, I think that's OK.

I am extraordinarily grateful for my closest friends who are dropping everything for me and the girls. God has certainly blessed me with the most amazing friends. Ben's closets guy friends have sort of taken me under their wings, along with their amazing wives, and help me with anything that the girls and I need. I need the daily check ins and the daily reminders that I am being thought of and prayed for. You don't understand how helpful this actually is for me. I am equally grateful for my aunt who sends me at least two messages a day making sure I am okay and asking if I need company. My Life Group from church is the closest I can get to feeling like Ben is in the room. We have been doing life together for 7 years and when I am with them, I feel like I am sitting with Ben. This group has been an exceptional part of our lives and I am so grateful for them. You who continue to check in with me on a daily basis- my how much you mean to me!

Kendie <3

This week I am preparing for Kendal's third birthday. She's 3, and yet I feel like she was born so long ago. So much has happened since she was born. So much most of you aren't even aware of. My heart breaks for Kendal. Her daddy was diagnosed with cancer just after her 1st birthday. All she knows of her daddy is him being sick. I'm sad she never got to really know Ben. She would have LOVED him. I mean, she did love him, but he was so sick her first few years that I feel like she really missed the energy, the fun daddy that even Brooke got for a few more years. Our babies keep growing without you. It's a painful feeling in my chest. Maybe just say a little prayer for me to get through this week and the "first" birthday without Ben here.

I'm going to try my best to post more on the blog about what I've been learning about grief, what's going on in our lives after losing Ben, and where we are headed. I'm going to ask for prayer for myself. I am feeling really lost without Ben. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing or where I am supposed to go. I've been praying that God opens doors for me and it's clear to me that the decisions I am making are the right ones. For me, and the girls.

Kendal and her daddy- February 2, 2018 at Hospice. 4 days before he passed away. He was still trying so hard to play with them.

March break fun. Sky Wheel in Niagara Falls