Merry Christmas & "Happy" New Year

January 2, 2018

Here we are... a brand new year and another Christmas behind us. It feels pretty weird to be welcoming a new year when all you really want to do is rewind time. It was hard for me to celebrate this year. Still, all the holiday celebrations went on. 

Christmas was very busy for us, as I am sure it was for all of you. At the beginning of December we started off by gathering with my Dad’s side of the family. This is one of my favourite Christmas celebrations. Our family rents out Navy Hall in Niagara-on-the-Lake and consumes copious amounts of food provided by a fantastic caterer, as well as speciality drinks and luxurious decor put together by my cousin. This year the family played a neat gift exchange game that brought on a lot of laughter and fun. Ben managed to get through the day pretty well. He was definitely quiet and kept to himself a lot. I can tell he isn’t doing great when he does this. Nevertheless, the day was wonderful and it was great to spend the time with family. 

Me, Ben & Cate

Navy Hall Christmas gathering

Later that week we hosted our annual Christmas gathering with some of our closest friends. We have been doing this now for 8 years! Some thought I was crazy for hosting, but really it’s a lot easier on Ben; he doesn’t have to worry about travel, and if he feels unwell he can stay in the comfort of his own bed and come down to visit when he feels well enough to do so. Thankfully I had help setting up for the evening and Ben was able to rest. Still, he just managed to join everyone. I ended up waking him up about a half an hour before everyone arrived. During the evening Ben had to wonder upstairs to close his eyes for a bit. I found myself looking around the room for him, reminding myself that he needed the break. The evening was enjoyed by all. We are so grateful for our amazing friends. Every year we gather it reminds us how fortunate we are to be surrounded by incredible, loving, Godly, friends. 

8th annual Christmas gathering

In between the gatherings Brooke and Kendal   participated in their very first dance recitals! Both girls wowed us as they danced their hearts out. I looked over to Ben seeing the biggest smile on his face, the proudest dad I have ever seen. Tears streamed down my face. I couldn't stop. I was so glad he was well enough to even get up and come. It meant the world to our girls. (Pictures below)

Christmas Eve was celebrated at my in-laws home in Jordan. As Ben and I loaded up his truck I took a spill on our front walkway twisting my ankle. The pain was instant and intense! I couldn’t get up without Ben’s help. Thankfully Brooke was with me and was able to go and get him. I managed to get up and limp my way into the truck. I spent all of Christmas Eve in the lazy boy at my in laws with my foot up and covered by an icepack. We enjoyed an early lunch/dinner followed by lots of family time. I could tell Ben was not doing great. In the evening we spent more time gathered together and I couldn’t help but notice Ben falling asleep, he just wasn't able to stay awake. We ended up cutting the night a bit shorter than usual to get him home to his own bed. The day was very nice. The girls had a blast spending time outside with the family.

Christmas morning 

Christmas Day was fun, and completely exhausting! (haha) The girls woke up nice and early and ran downstairs to find what Santa had left behind. Watching their eyes light up makes my heart burst! Christmas as an adult with young children certainly is a lot of fun! We spent all morning opening their gifts and playing with all their new things. What lucky girls they are! Mid-morning my aunt came over to help prep the 18 pound turkey our family was going to devour for dinner.  Everyone on my side of the family arrived mid-afternoon for the Christmas Day celebrations, 18 people in total. About half way through our afternoon of finger foods and drinks we realized the oven had “magically” shut off and wasn’t cooking the turkey! We ended up eating a few hours later than planned, but the turkey turned out great! Ben was upstairs sleeping most of the time. He was really exhausted. He managed to participate in our family gift exchange, as well as eat dinner with us, but it wasn’t long before he returned to bed. It hurt my heart to have to go upstairs and check on him occasionally, only to find him sitting up sleeping. I hated him missing out and not being the fun Ben he used to be. I think that’s what I miss the most… the “old” Ben. He isn’t the same person anymore. This cancer has completely robbed him of his old self. I genuinely miss him hoping down the stairs with his vibrant personality, singing a song out loud off tune and helping me host these type of events. When evening came and everyone had gone home, I put the girls to bed and Ben had gone to bed and I sat in our living room reflecting on the past few days. I was exhausted. The hustle and bustle really added up. Tears came to my eyes thinking about not having Ben next to me in that moment, instead he was heavily sleeping, fighting this stupid cancer. I find myself alone a lot in those moments. It’s a grieving stage already, missing him being healthy enough to even just sit next to me. 

Christmas came and went and New Years was approaching. Ben and I actually spent our New Years apart this year, probably the first time in 10 years! At first I really struggled with that thought, but it ended up being fine. The girls and I travelled up to our family cottage with my sister, my nieces, and my parents. Ben was really not feeling well so he stayed back with his parents. I was really glad that Ben was able to be there. Before I left I was really worried about him being alone. It didn’t sit well with me. Knowing that he was being taken care of and if anything happened he was with them brought much comfort to me.

ringing in a new year with the girls

Ben and his parents celebrating New Years

The girls and I had a great time at the cottage, but missed Ben terribly! We all did. The weather sat around -23 to -27*C, feeling like -30. It was frigid, but we still managed to have fun outside! Snowmobiling with the family was a blast! The girls also had a great time GT snow racing. We were all really bummed that Ben couldn’t come and enjoy that with us. He would have loved it, and we all kept saying that. When we counted down the minutes to 2018, I sat with my sister and my parents welcoming a year that we all know will be even harder than the last. That was the hardest part about using the word “happy” - Happy New Year… can we actually use the word “happy” knowing that his journey will continue to get harder and harder? I came across so many people and articles on social media sharing their expectations and excitement for 2018. I sat there completely terrified. Almost dreading the clock going forward. I could feel my mind starting to panic and my heart starting to break with just the thought of everything. My family was such a great support though. Playing games and enjoying quality time with just my sister and my parents was exactly what I needed.

cousins

out on the lake!

The holiday season really did fly by and yet my Christmas tree still stands in our living room. I’m having a hard time taking it down. Taking it down represents a new season and how fast our time is going. It also scares me that there is a possibility that I wont have Ben next year this time. Why would I want to rush that? For now I’ll just embrace it until I’m ready to fully take it down. 

We really did have a wonderful Christmas. It was great to be surrounded by friends and family, as well as people helping us prepare for Christmas, deliver meals, help me shovel the driveway and so much more. If I needed help all I had to do was ask and I had someone at our door within an hour willing to help me in anyway. We felt very loved and supported, especially during this time. Thank you!

In between Christmas and New years Ben completed his 32nd chemo treatment. Treatment day was another long one. 6 hours at the hospital. We were both ready for home. Ben has been tolerating this new drug fairly well. His biggest side effects have been extreme acne, which he has never struggled with, so this is hard for him, and a very active ostomy bag. Both of these have been very difficult for Ben. Still, I never hear him complain. I don’t know how he does that. Ben will have his third treatment with this drug on January 10th, at which point we will meet with his oncologist again to discuss a scan date to see how he is responding to this drug. 

It’s starting to get harder watching him battle this disease. He spends 90% of his time bedridden and sleeping. Last week I had to head out and do a few errands to prep for Christmas. I had called him and sent him a few messages making sure he was okay. Finally Ben text messaged me saying he didn’t even have the energy to look at his phone let alone return my calls or messages. I realized in that moment how fortunate I am to be healthy enough to get up and go out the door to do errands. Yes, I was tried, and yes, I was feeling stressed and pretty anxious, but this is nothing like what Ben is fighting. How I quickly took that for granted. I think we all do. 

So, here we are. 2018. The first few weeks of 2018 hold a bit of excitement for the girls and I. Last year our family booked an all inclusive trip to the Mayan Rivera in Mexico. The 15 of us booked the vacation last January replacing gift giving this year. In November, Ben and I had to make the big decision whether or not he was coming along. Ben made the very difficult decision to stay behind due to his health at this time. I’m so sad he will be missing out on this vacation but it brings comfort to me knowing that he will be safe at home and we wont have to deal with any health concerns during our travels. I’ve made it clear to Ben that the girls and I will cancel our trip, even the day of if his health declines rapidly, and we will fly home as fast as we can need be. For now, the girls and I are 2 weeks away from boarding a plane with 12 of our family members heading to the sun and heat. It’s adding excitement into our lives, which is good. We need that. But again, we will miss daddy terribly! (thank goodness for facetime!)

We hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas. We wish all of you a healthy new year. We ask for continued prayer for 2018; that we continue to have the strength to go on, that Ben’s side effects are minimal, that he is able to be up more and participate more, that I have the patience to parent the girls during stressful and anxious times, and that our family can enjoy good days together without Ben feeling ill and bedridden. So, here’s to 2018- may you not be as scary as we think you are. 

Brooke & Addison- Navy Hall Christmas Gathering

Kendal & Brooke getting ready for "Jingle & Bling" day at school.

Kendal's first ballet recital

Proud parents, good friends.

bundled for a snowmobile ride!

snow covered dock/lake

GT snow racing!

Kendal & I 

like riding a bike. 

Christmas Day Dinner 

trail riding

Love you baby