June 15, 2017

The past few weeks have been quite a whirlwind around here. In the same day Ben and I can go through highs and lows, and everything in between. There is no doubt that cancer continues to be a battled stressor in our lives. We have found ourselves in a really low place the past few weeks. We may appear to "have it all together" or be "happy and outgoing people" but inside, I have managed to run myself into the ground, emotionally and physically, and Ben is struggling just the same. I continue to question why we have been put on this path and why Ben and I continue to be dealt the most difficult cards. Cancer continues to put strain on our marriage and family. I have found myself breaking down more and more. Emotionally losing my ability to keep it together. Our girls still don't understand what is going on, and I am still not sure whether that is a blessing or not. I have, however, found myself talking with Brooke more about Jesus and heaven and where I believe we go when we die. She asks lots of questions and is very interested. Her first response was, "Like, where Simon went?" (Simon was Ben's parents dog) "Yes! Just like Simon!" (If she understands this, I'm running with it) I continue to explain to her how much we miss Simon here on earth, but that we will see Simon again one day in heaven with Jesus. I guess I'm trying to prepare her for life and loss, although I know I will never be able to fully prepare her. For all our friends with young children, I hope you never have to experience explaining this to your children, especially when in your head it's about daddy, or mommy.

Yesterday Ben completed his 19th chemotherapy treatment. 19! We have learned that this is a lot of chemo, and most people we have met along the way will only receive a short course of treatment (maybe 10-12 treatments) and/or radiation. The first question Ben and I seem to get is, "So, when are you done chemo?" we then have to respond with, "well, treatments are indefinitely.... meaning, until the end". People usually don't know what to say to us, I don't even know what I would say to people who are in our boat either. Truth is, sometimes a hug and "I'm praying for you" is simply enough. My brother, Jake, joined us in the chemo room this week. I was so happy to have my brother by our side. Ben was equally happy to have him there. 4 hours of treatment is a long haul, so having the company and someone like my brother to talk with was simply refreshing. I was also glad that Jake got to see a glimpse of what our daily "chemo day" looks like. I don't think one really understands until they see it with their own eyes.

With all this heavy stuff the past few weeks, we have still been able to experience some joy and love too. Last weekend we hosted 85 friends and their kids at our home! (Am I crazy?!, possibly... haha!) We had some of our closest friends over for a BBQ, those who have given, and continue to give and help us daily., without reservation, always putting Ben and I and the girls first. This BBQ was a huge thank you for everything they have done. Anyone who knows Ben and I will know how much friendship truly means to us. Watching our friends kids grow and hearing the accomplishments of our friends and their children bring complete joy to our lives and love in our hearts. This BBQ meant more to me then I think anyone really understands. We are reminded daily of Ben's fight and don't know what a year will bring, so having everyone with us that day and watching the kids all play together and all of us be together was one of the biggest joyful moments I have experienced in a long time. A huge thank you to Niagara Inflatables for hooking us up with a bouncy castle, which occupied the kids for hours! Here are a few photos from the day!

Close friends are truly life's treasures. Sometimes they know us better than we know ourselves. With gentle honesty, they are there to guide and support us, to share our laughter and our tears. Their presence reminds us that we are never really alone!
(most of the group!)

Chef Jeffs! 

Today Ben and I both got to go with Brooke on her school trip. Yup, Brooke got lucky to have both of us! These have been the perks of having daddy home and mommy having Thursday's off work. The joy on her face having me ride the bus with her and her class warmed my heart. What you have to know, is that we traveled to the Butterfly Conservatory in Niagara Falls and I am terrified of moths and butterflies... but when I read the permission form out loud to Brooke and she asked me to come, while jumping up and down, I couldn't say no. So, I went, trying to teach my daughter a lesson of concurring your fears! The day ended up to be great. It wasn't all that bad, and having daddy along for the trip was extra special!

Ben will continue his chemo treatments and have a scan done again within the next two months for review. Ben's biggest battle lately has been with chronic fatigue. Over the past week he hasn't been able to get up much and this is really wearing him down. Our prayer today is for Ben to have restored energy and that he is able to be awake and alert and doesn't miss out on anything!

With being stuck in a bit of a low spot the past few weeks, Ben and I are really trying to focus on quality time together, and with the girls, and leaning more on God to carry us through this. I believe a road without God is difficult and lonely. I believe that once you are focused on His love for you and His presence in your life, and you truly believe this in your heart, everything becomes "easier" to handle and a sense of reassurance and hope, of love and of contentment make you stronger and able to keep going forward. Sometimes it's challenging to keep focused on this, sometimes it's hard to remain faithful and give your heavy load to God, but I see a huge difference in my life and my attitude towards this whole situation when God is present in my heart. Because I am being encouraged to refocus my heart, I encourage you too!